mourning has broken me in two; i know however in truth (in the whirled dualities) there will always be the choice of the "to haves" - even though we are whole (in the heart of god): the brighter half , and the other (the half knot...that keeps us at the end of our rope)! its like a tie that i once found, that i havent worn out yet. the cryptic design is just script to be read vertically from the tip to the knot, and because its mirror image is also there, few get it : "go piss up a rope"! my feelings about wearing ties, actually, and for ties that bind me...to anything not of Love. ( the epitome now in feeling my low tide, right? ) the only other almost too cryptic to read thing i have is a button that looks like hebrew (lettering) only when the discerning eye really sees, it reads "go fuck yourself!" - perfect for the daze like today ( but not for the day the college nurse was checking my throat for a staff infection)!
and all i keep thinking is "what rite have i got to be depressed?" I AM a creative being, am i not?
its all about feeling, isnt it, and if i dont feel , it how can it be released? ( oh, a messenger from on high has just come to remind me there is a treasure in my pocket relating to all this to be considered only at playtime!)
it is in expressing myself, be it in writing or being "a ware of art", that i find healing comes!
right after new years mom fell, and had to be hospitalized...even though nothing was broken, she was in rehab until 2 weeks ago. older brother ( i find it hard to use that word for that relationship!) started to lay his shit on me again, as if he were the CEO of my life. i found it even harder to accept (now there is the key!) that my mother sat in the social worker's office, without saying anything to the contrary, while he went on claiming that he is the only one who does anything for his mother! (he's just come out of the "would work" for her...after years of putting her down!)
two weeks ago i found out my dog has heart problems.
last week i came home from work and listened to a message left on our answering machine from our primary care physician who instructed my love to see a cardiologist immediately! turns out my love thought he had had a heart attack the day before...but didnt think it was anything i should know about (yet)! the next day after he saw the specialist, he was rushed to the emergency room, the day he was operated on...and the next, he came home!
yesterday he noticed his wedding ring had slipped off his finger...and its no where in sight to be found. i feel he lost it when he was getting the pork and chive dumplings out of the freezer case at the asian market...some dim sum in recovering it now!
in addition, i am being evicted from my old apartment, one that i have had since i first moved into the city in 1981; when i moved into my loves, i still kept the lease just in case i would want to return there to have a bath, or to use as my studio once again ( after all it IS a studio apartment!). i have rented it to friends so they might have a decent rent, with the understanding that on occasion, when guest were staying here, my love and i would be invited to sleep there.
maybe it was the concert last night at the UN marking the first anniversary for the japanese tsunami victims. it was dreadful! if they played music like that, it might have turned back the tide! it could have brought back the dead....
who knows...i just feel done for the day! like tears could flow at any time for all that doesnt feel right now...and yet all is right now...the very present is perfect, because I AM!
acceptance of what is, is the key to feeling joyful...maybe not happy, however {justly} joyful!
and so in this awareness i must ask myself, "what part of the illusion am i not understanding?"
love you got
No comments:
Post a Comment